Monday, October 26, 2015

Fears

Lately I have been feeling a lot of fear and anxiety about bringing another baby into our home. A lot of it has to do with me REMEMBERING how it was in the beginning with Charlotte. It was NOT easy for me. I felt so alone and isolated at the time and I just wanted SLEEP. But things are good now! So so good. I mean, Charlotte is 2. A typical 2 year old for the most part and that can be rough but by golly she SLEEPS and can TALK and she is generally more fun to do things with now (sorry Charlotte as a baby- you were fun too but in a different way). But now we are throwing a wrench in our routine and bringing another screaming new born into our lives and I am freaking out just a little bit. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am the baby of the family? I mean, I basically grew up as an only child so my baby experience was limited to babysitting for a few hours. But now... NOW I know what we are getting ourselves into. And I'm kind of freaking out a bit.
I am sure EVERY parent has felt some sort of fear when expecting baby #2 (and so on)... 
No, I'm not scared of birth (after I had Charlotte, I told my mom and Devin that I could probably do that again)... But what I am scared of is...


#1. Charlotte not feeling loved enough. I am trying so hard to hold her, and kiss her, and snuggle her at every single opportunity. I tell her I love you a million+ times in a day (to which she responds "i yove you too mom"). I am smothering her in love so that maybe her "love glass" can be a bit overfilled for when the new baby comes. 

#2. NEW baby not feeling loved enough. I just don't see how my love can be multiplied and equal between my children at this point. I know everyone says that it will happen but I just can't see it at this point. Don't get me wrong I LOVE this babe growing inside of me but I already feel like it's kind of on the back burner while I focus my attention on Charlotte 100% while I can. Is that bad?

#3. How am I going to divide my attention between them both?  New baby is going to need SO MUCH attention but Charlotte still needs a lot of attention too. I can just see it happening now- them both waking up at the same time at night and BOTH needing me!

#4. SLEEP! For the love of all that is holy WHEN will I sleep!? I am an absolute MONSTER without sleep. Getting sleep helps me to be a better mother. But at least with only one kid you can TRY and sleep when the baby sleeps during the day. There is no way Charlotte will let that happen once new baby comes. 

#5. Me, becoming a zombie... and loosing myself. It's a hard thing to admit but I definitely feel like I lost myself a bit once Charlotte was born. I was swallowed up in breastfeeding, burping, changing diapers, cleaning the house... I was so consumed with my new role that I didn't remember who I was before or what I even liked to do. I suppose I still kind of feel that way because when Devin asked me what my dream was the other day I didn't have an answer. I haven't had TIME to think or dream of a dream. Between school and momming, and wifeing... there has been no time to fantasize about any other dream than making it past nursing school- now my dream is to pass boards. (Devin's dream is to be a ski lift operator and drive back to his cabin in his Ferrari...) Now that nursing school is over I have to remember what I liked and DID before nursing school and before Charlotte (Devin says my only hobby is shopping. I know he says it jokingly and lovingly but it kind of stings to feel like that's all you do). I think that's why I needed nursing school so much. I needed a long awaited dream to come true. With new baby coming, I need to think of new (realistic) dreams so I DON'T lose myself this time around. AND apparently to remember my old hobbies...

#6. Being cooped up in the house all the time. How am I EVER going to leave the house with 2 kids!? It seems like an impossible feat. I know people do it. And I have to remember how I felt leaving the house with just a  newborn...

#7. Finding time for myself and finding time for dates. Devin and I hardly go on dates without Charlotte. We go on "family" dates but really our only alone time is what Charlotte sleeps. We usually go out for our anniversary and around my birthday and maybe one or two other times during the year. A few "real" dates a year for the past 2 years. And to be honest any time I have been given "me" time I have felt guilty! I have felt guilty about being alone and not being with my family so I usually cut my time short and head home early.

Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way- but it's nice to write it down. It's therapeutic somehow about writing out your fears and being honest about how you feel...

Experienced mama's, any advice for welcoming baby #2 for our whole family? 

1 comment:

Shawna Lauringson said...

I love you and your honesty. If I didnt have to study for a nursing test tomorrow I would list out my fears of this baby number one i have coming so you know youre not alone... How about we phone date/text date and catch up on fears here sometime very soon? Youre doing great, just remember one day at a time, thats the only mantra that seems to quite my fears lately. Love you