Friday, June 26, 2015

Broken Heart

Friends, my heart is broken. On Sunday,  June 20th, we learned that I was having a miscarriage. I miscarried on Father's Day. I still can't believe it. Devin and I had been trying for another baby for about a month and we were excited to see if it had worked! The whole week leading up to "that day" I was anxious. I bought at least 4 boxes of pregnancy tests. I took at least 3 before "that day". The night before I was supposed to get my period ("that day") I decided to take just one more test. I was impatient and the one line confirmed what I already knew. Not pregnant. I set the test on our bathroom counter and went to bed. Well, wouldn't you know it... the next morning there was the FAINTEST positive sign. I told Devin that I needed to take another test ASAP because I JUST MIGHT BE PREGNANsT after all. He was downstairs feeding Charlotte breakfast and OF COURSE I used the fancy digital tests that literally make you wait the entire 3 minutes. I needed to step away. I put away some clothes and tried to busy myself for those 3 minutes. I walked back into the bathroom and LO and BEHOLD it said PREGNANT! I yelled for Devin to come upstairs and we hugged and kissed and were so so so excited. I made him snap a few photos of me when he got home from work that night. I told my mom the very next day. I made doctor appointments (I had one, yes and how do you know you are pregnant? Well, my period isn't here and I took 6 tests... so...), I started a new pin board on Pinterest. I made lists. Lists of what we would need, names that I like... we moved Charlotte's changing table out of her room and even started shopping for a "big girl" bed for her. We made plans to take the office furniture downstairs and have new baby's room right next to Charlotte's. I ordered my favorite pregnancy lotion. I ordered a subscription of Fit Pregnancy. I downloaded 3 (yes 3) pregnancy apps. I started entering Instagram giveaway's for all the new baby gear I wanted! I put a bunch on maternity clothes in my shopping cart at the gap (I seriously cannot go online there right now). I started looking at baby clothes everywhere we went. For those 2 weeks that I (knew) was pregnant, it was wonderful. This time was different! I had been taking my prenatals for at least 4 weeks before I was pregnant. I felt great! Other than being tired by the afternoon I was totally feeling fantastic. Until I wasn't. Thursday night the 18th of June we were laying in bed and I started to get horrible stomach pain. This pain made me nauseous. I attributed it to something we ate and went to bed thinking nothing of it. The next morning, I started spotting. Devin had gone into work early and my mom was at work all day too so there was really no one I could express my concerns to. I tried to take it as easy as I could that Friday but by 3pm I was freaking out. I had cramping and spotting and I didn't feel like it was good. Devin called and I cried, he told me to go to the ER. I resisted. "If I am having a miscarriage there isn't anything they can do for me now". So, I stayed home and we had friends over for dinner. I was a giant stress ball the entire time. By the time we got Charlotte into bed, Devin was begging me to go to the hospital if only to make sure things were OK with me. So I went. Alone. With my iPad. 
"Yes, and what is your emergency"
Possible miscarriage

I was there for 4 hours
I joked with the nurses, I watched them take my blood. They had to call in the ultrasound tech and he didn't get there until after 10:30pm. Since I wasn't very far along I knew they wouldn't have the greatest time finding anything. "A little over 5 weeks? I doubt we will see anything." Of course, they couldn't see anything, and everything looked "normal". The doctor came in and gave me my lab results HCG 62 1-2 weeks pregnant per the lab sheet. I should have known then. No. I should be in the 5-6 week range, not 1-2. He called it a "threatened abortion" and said to have my labs drawn again on Monday. I went home feeling a little hopeful. Maybe this was just implantation bleeding! That happens right? Even though I didn't experience it with Charlotte it was all over the internet. Week 5 is implantation bleeding! So Saturday I took it easy. Ate what I wanted, which happened to be pizza and ice cream... and generally felt ok. The bleeding was subsiding! Or so I thought. I woke up at 4am Sunday morning with awful cramps. I went to the bathroom... and then I went back to the hospital.  I called before I went to ask if they really thought that I should come in. The charge nurse said yes. I cried the entire way there. I called my mom, and I cried. I stalled outside going in. Do I want to know? I mean, I already know but to have it confirmed? 

I walked in and had to tell the exact same front desk person that I was there for a miscarriage. "Remind me what you are here for again? Oh... yeah..." The charge nurse came out and brought me back and told me she was so sorry. I said, "It's OK." Because what else do you say when you are losing your pregnancy and someone gives you sympathy? And she said, "No, it isn't and you don't have to pretend that it is." And I LOST it. She asked me about Charlotte and about school and I had to ask for a pad to wear. They drew my labs again. I watched movies on my iPad... and then the doctor came back in. "Your lab results came back. Your pregnancy hormones are going down and not up. In case you weren't aware, you are in fact having a miscarriage." I tried not to cry until I got back into the car. I had to stop off at the store to get some pads because I was instructed not to wear tampons. Everyone around me was totally oblivious to the heartache I was feeling. Every. Single. Person. No one knew what had happened to me. Why I looked so disheveled. Why my eyes were puffy from tears. I went home just as the sun was rising. I turned on my iTunes radio to listen to some music and "Come Thou Fount" came on and I just cried even harder. Devin and Charlotte were both asleep when I got home. I crawled into bed with Devin and I just cried. "There is no more baby" I said. 

It's so strange to think and know you are pregnant one day and know you aren't the next. Yes, I was only 6 weeks along but that was still our baby we lost. A person is a person no matter how small. We lost a child- to us we lost our child. So much happiness and joy turned into so much sadness and grief for the child we don't get to have. This baby would have been due 7 days before my birthday. Every day I have woken up and told Devin, "I wish I was still pregnant today." He tells me, "I know, and you will be again." I know there will be another baby Zufelt. I am just terrified to try again.
The hormone crash has been awful. I can't even look at baby things right now. I was weepy for a few days but now I feel better. I've had to tell a few people who I let know I was pregnant. Mostly my family. There just really isn't anything anyone can say that will make it better or that will make me feel better. It just takes time. I am trying to move on and be positive and enjoy more time with our Charlotte. I know that there isn't anything that I did wrong and that this just sometimes happens but it's hard not to blame myself. I feel responsible. I AM grateful that I wasn't so far along. I just pray that this doesn't happen again. If you are the praying type, please pray for our little family.
If you send good vibes and positive thoughts- by all means, send those our way too. 

No comments: