Monday, September 23, 2013

Just words

No photos today... Just words
I have been having lots of mixed emotions lately and I feel as if I don't get them out then I am going to burst. You see... I am going back to school for nursing. And I am incredibly torn as to how I feel about it. Before we moved away from California, Devin and I had many discussions about "school". I had quit my job months before to do pre-requisites for PA school so that when we moved here I would be ready to go. Turns out, they kept adding  another class each year and I was put further and further away from that dream. We also discussed having children. We knew we would sometime in the next few years but I definitely wanted to have my career first. I didn't want to be a mom who gave up on her dreams because she had a child. I didn't ever want to have feelings like, "Well if I didn't have a baby then I could have done... etc." I realize how naive that thought process was- because now I understand that it isn't really giving up a dream, it's gaining a better one. Before Charlotte came along I was still planning on going back to work afterwards. Our first night home I broke down and told my mom that there was no way I could do it. I can honestly say that going back to work did not feel like the right thing to do. However, I still had my dreams.The things I wanted before Charlotte, I still wanted. I want to have a usable skill and a career because Charlotte and whoever else comes along won't always be little. Maybe to you it sounds selfish, but I NEED to have something marketable. Especially since Devin is in the military. Who knows what will happen? I talked to my mom and to Devin and on a whim I applied to nursing school. I honestly didn't think I was going to get in... but then I got called in for an interview. On the drive down there (even when I set up the interview) I kept thinking to myself, "There is no way I am going to do this." Even when I got there and was walking to the front doors I didn't have high hopes for it. And then I walked in and I felt like I belonged. It was the strangest feeling. I had my interview- set up my entrance exam and went home to tell Devin. I was excited. And I felt guilty about being excited. Because it meant time away from Charlotte. LOTS of time away. And tons of hard work in my near future. I headed off to California and thought about what this meant. If I even REALLY wanted to do it or not. Would it make me a bad mother? Because she will definitely have to be in daycare some of the time. Can we even AFFORD for me to do this? I studied as much as I could for the entrance exam during Charlotte's naps but I didn't feel like it was enough. The day of my exam I went into it with the attitude of "Ok, if I pass I know I'm supposed to do this... if I fail then it just wasn't meant to be." I was the first one done- so that freaked me out. I passed with flying colors. 100% on math. 92% overall combined for reading comprehension, grammar, and vocabulary. I enrolled, picked out my scrub sizes, did my drug test... and I was still excited. Yes, I am terrified of doing this. Yes, sometimes I feel like this is going to make me a bad mother because I am going to be away from my sweet baby girl. And yes we are going to be broke as a joke for 2 years (no more J Crew... and pretty much just top ramen to eat...) But I just have to remind myself that this is right. I know it is. As hard as it is going to be it is the right thing to do. This will set a good example for Charlotte of gaining an education and following your dreams. I just have to remember and remind myself that I can still be a good mom while working hard and going after my dreams. 

1 comment:

Luke Fichtner said...

Congrats Whitney. What Charlotte needs most of all is a mother and father to look up to, and you guys are definitely providing that. More importantly, she is seeing what a determined woman looks like. Lastly, with the time away, you will only be more in love with her. Again congrats Whitney, great people achieve great things.