Thursday, August 28, 2014

I wish someone had said something helpful

To be honest- I had completely forgotten about this post! I wrote it last November (2013) when Charlotte wasn't even 6 months old yet. It was really funny to find this a read through it. It's still true! No photos: Just words.

Before Charlotte was born, I knew motherhood was going to be hard... but I didn't think it would be this KIND of hard. Does that makes sense? I expected motherhood to be challenging and difficult... I saw all the crap my mom had to deal with from us girls. But I really didn't expect it to be like this. 
I just wish someone had told me something that I felt was helpful...
All I got were, "Oh, you just get ready for sleepless nights!"
And, "Motherhood is the most amazing thing in the entire world! I love being a mother ALL THE TIME." 
And, "Oh, you think you're life is hard now. You just WAIT until your baby is born!"
How the heck are any of those statements helpful to a new or future mother? Hint. They aren't. 
So... to my new mom friends, soon to be mom friends, and already mom friends... here are some things I wish people had said to me...

#1. There are parts about motherhood that just plain suck.
My good friend Cherie told me this the other day (she is a mother of 3) and it's just a fact. I do not enjoy getting spit up on. I hate it almost MORE than poop. Because at least poop can be contained as long as you have a good diaper on your kid. But spit up can get everywhere... and then everything smells like cheese. And the crying. The crying really sucks. Especially when you have no idea why they are crying or how to fix it. 

#2. Yes, you will be exhausted. But you can do it.
I hated when people told me that I was tired and that it would pass. That never made me feel better. So I'm not going to tell you that it will pass (although it does... eventually they learn to sleep through the night). I am just going to tell you that you can do it. You can be exhausted and only run on a few hours of sleep. Just hang on until dad gets home so you can get some relief and take a nap. 

#3. Life does get harder... but also more fun.
I would be lying to you if I said there weren't times where I missed being able to just pick up and go to the store without taking everything and the kitchen sink (and that also didn't required planning to make sure we go at a time when C will be happy). But oh, her smile! And her giggle! And watching her learn and grow. It's pretty awesome. 

#4. It's OK to feel overwhelmed!
Look, there have been days when Devin comes home and I tell him I need to go hide under a rock for a week. Devin (carrying Charlotte) and our dog all follow me around. All. The. Time. I tried to go to the bathroom the other day and they all followed me. I said to Devin, "WHY do you keep following me!?" And he said, "Because you're the Mommy..." Being a mother is a lot of work, but being a wife, a friend and all the other hats you wear can all pile up and make you feel overwhelmed and that's OK! Take some time for yourself. Do what you need to do to get recharged. Call your mom, take a bubble bath, cry it out... and move forward.

#5. It's OK to cry. 
The honest truth about me and motherhood... There have been days when I called my mom and told her that I just couldn't do it anymore. I have told my friends that I just don't now how I am going to be a mother. There have been times where I have woken Devin up early in the morning and had him take Charlotte so I could have a break and a little nap. I have cried and cried and cried. I've been selfish and cried at the loss of my "youth" and our carefree days. I've cried because Charlotte is crying and I don't know what to do. I have cried because I need my mom. I have cried because I have felt so completely alone. I have cried because I have desperately needed a break and a date with my husband but haven't been able to afford to go on one. I have cried about money and the lack thereof. I have cried about whether or not I am ruining my child with my inexperience. 

But you know what? I wouldn't change my life now for anything. Yes, I still cry. Yes, I get overwhelmed. Yes, I still need breaks. But this tiny little love, is the love of my life. I have an amazing husband (who is also a love of my life) who gives me relief me I need it most. I have a mother I can call and vent to. I have friends who understand!
So keep on keeping on mama- you CAN do this! 

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

On not being present

If you know me, then you know that I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as balance- only juggling. 
I have heard it said that there is no balance, only family first- which I also agree with.
I'm just having a hard time giving up my time with my family these last few weeks. 
I am gone for over 12 hours 3 days a week and I get home after 6:30 4 days a week.
That's a lot of time being away from my sweet husband and sweet baby girl.
I never regret the time I spend with my family
I do regret the time I feel that has been wasted (with classes that are not necessary for my education but we still have to have our "butt in the seat" time) 
And finally- FINALLY I get why I am doing this.
My first clinical rotation has just started and I am at a long term care facility (read: nursing home)
And my first day there was so depressing- I came home 100% drained.
I won't go into too many details but it's just flat out sad and heart wrenching. 
My second day- it clicked.
I give up my time with my family to help others.
I give up my time with my family to care for others.
I give up my time with my family to spend time with people who sometimes don't have a family.
I am their advocate when they have none.
I am the one who cares when maybe no one else does.
I give up my time with my family... and it's really really hard to do. 
Often I have looked at my Charlotte and thought, "where did this time go?"
My time has gone with her. She is my time thief. 
Even though I'm not with her as much as I would like, my time still goes with her
I am always with her and she is always with me.
I find myself, however, being "here" but not being present too much of the time.
I have never been one to "find joy in the journey"
I am constantly thinking about what come NEXT
What I have to do NEXT
What tasks need to be done NOW...
How do I stop that? 
If I lay down for a few minutes I feel like I'm wasting time that I could be studying...
I am trying SO hard to be HOME when I am home
The phone goes away until Charlotte goes down for bed and I try my hardest to be present- here and now. And worry about tomorrow (and the next day and the next day...) after she has gone to sleep.
Because as much as she is my time thief, my worry and planning and list making is also a thief...
A thief of being present. 

"Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes...
If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly. Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us." 
My messy house means that I have people to love... And I will be here and present for them... even if it means not getting everything done on my list. 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Let's talk about eyebrows...

I remember the day I started plucking my eyebrows. It was a bit before most of my friends started doing it (I also started shaving my legs at a very young age.) Blame it on my ridiculously dark hair but the unibrow started creeping on me early. I snuck my mom's tweezers out of her drawer while she was at work and I went to town on those bad boys (once I even shaved, SHAVED! between my eyebrows). 
A few weeks ago a discussion was started by my HS friend Erica about whether or not girls filled in their brows. 
I was one of the few who did fill in their brows.
It's true, my hair is dark and my brows are dark so I never really thought of filling in that random hair above my eyes. UNTIL my friend Katrina did it (HEEEEY) for a photo shoot I did with the always amazing Tonya Joy Photography. It was like, a whole new world. 
My eyebrows suddenly took on a personality of their own.
Flash forward to my very first nursing clinical this week (exhausting!)...
My patient and I started discussing eyebrows and how she scares her grandchildren until she "puts on her eyebrows" (this is how I knew we were going to get along).
I even helped her fill in her eyebrows!

Eyebrows my friends... they make a difference! 
They are, of course, sisters and not twins (in case you were wondering)
Now, I'm definitely not suggesting that everyone NEEDS to start sculpting their eyebrows ASAP
What I AM saying is that if you haven't tried it-don't knock it. 
You just might become a huge fan (like ME!) 
I am easy peasy when it comes to filling in my brows because I am super limited on time.
Read: I pretty much do the same thing to my face every day during the week. 
In fact, I was only doing it every Sunday when I had the time to REALLY focus on my makeup
Now, I have become even more "brow-lazy" and started to use benefit's "gimme brow" and I LOOOOOVE it. Someday when I have more time- I will be investing in the Anastacia Brow Kit (stencils and all!) because having good eyebrows is like beauty crack.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

My Summer Makeup MUST HAVE'S!

Just a quick catch up- I should be studying right now... but this quarter, I am already "anti". How can I already be jaded when I'm not even half way through? Probably because it's summer. And all I want to do is go and play and have fun. NOT STUDY! Alas, Charlotte and I got sick this weekend and Devin is working nights. Hurray for us. If you follow me on Instagram you know that Charlotte is now HUGE and WALKING like a champ. But, ya know, school is good. 
ANYWAY- that's not what this post is about. This post is about my favorite thing. Ever.
Mom flew out here for a couple of days during my break and I swear we could have been at Sephora every single day and not get sick of it. It's magical there. I bought and tried some AMAZING products. My SIL emailed me the other week and said she missed my blogs- (is it weird that I totally write blog posts in my head? Like... what I would say?) So, without further ado, this is my list of what you NEED in your makeup bag this summer. These are the products I would use if I were going to the beach, pool, farmer's market... anywhere. Totally minimal and beautiful. And if you don't believe me, hit up your local Sephora and ask for a sample. 

You guys, for real- even you girls who don't like to wear make up will LOVE this. It seriously feels like you have nothing on your face. Mom and I both tried it and LOVE it. Light to medium coverage which is PERFECT for summertime AND it has SPF 30 and BONUS you cannot smell the SPF. You skin will look dewy and gorgeous and not over done. My other favorites are Bareskin by BareMinerals (AMAZEBALLS) and Boscia BB cream. 

So, I went into Sephora searching for the most perfect bronzer (You guys KNOW how I hate bronzers in general because girls get way too heavy handed and they start looking like they smeared Doritos on their faces...) I tried one from Make-up forever, I tried one from NARS (love you NARS, mean it), I tried Benefit's Hoola (which, by the way, Ulta has a warning label on their website that Hoola contains carcinogens... um... no thank you! So Hoola was out for me) and just none of them were right. Then... this came into my life as a sample because I wasn't ready to commit. I fell in love. And it's stupidly sold-out online and all the Sephora's that are close to me. If you can find one, get one. 

Because woman cannot live on bronzer alone... I picked this up on a whim (in poppy paradise) because I wanted something easy. I wanted to be able to do my makeup routine for going on the pool or whatever with just my fingers and not dirty up my brushes (too much). I put this lovely on my cheeks and it was exactly what I had been wanting. 

If you need a little bit of pretty sparkly in your life, this is your new best friend. I had never tried bareMinerals' eye color's before and now I am HOOKED! A little bit goes such a LONG way and the pigments are super pretty. I picked this up in nude beach and true gold. You can totally apply just a tiny amount with your finger tips to keep this look minimal. Here's a little tip- if you want your shimmer to be more dramatic use eye drops to wet your eyeshadow brush and apply! (Water will not really work- despite what they tell you. Eye drops work better!)


I know, I know. I do still love my Benefit "They're Real". But this mascara takes almost NO time to apply, your lashes won't feel super heavy and it's just gorgeous. I got this as a sample for my birthday and it's been fabulous. 

#6. Sephora Collection Ultra Shine Lip gloss
This is #25 Reflex Hot Coral. Charlotte loves Sephora (true story) and she loves playing with these lip glosses (I did, in fact, put some on her lips- judge all you like). This coral color is just gorgeous. That's all I have to say about it. Perfect amount of color and simmer. 

What's on your summer must-have list???
Miss this little space of mine. 
Hope to be back really soon!

Saturday, May 10, 2014


Yes, I remember that I still have a blog...No, I do not have the time that I would like to dedicate to it. School is kicking my butt and from the rumors, it's only going to get worse. Any spare time I have is spent studying or playing with Charlotte (or playing with Charlotte while I try to study- mostly I read to her from my textbooks....) But, I do miss this little corner of mine. I miss sharing my thoughts and feelings and tidbits of our lives. Charlotte is almost 1... ONE!!!! Wasn't I just in labor, like, yesterday? It feels like it. I catch myself a lot of the time, writing posts in my mine for this little blog (I'm not the only one who does that right... right?) but I simply just don't have the time to put my thoughts into posts... besides this one. Just know, I miss it. But we are doing well! Truly, we are. Charlotte is trying to walk and she has become so sassy. She officially hates headbands but will wear bows. She loves the theme song to "The Big Bang Theory", avocados, hearty bread, steak, blankets (she is OBSESSED) and anything sparkly. She also loves my makeup brushes, bruising her teeth, bath time, walks and cords. What is it with babies a cords? She loves to play our piano and climb the stairs. I just cannot believe how big my baby girl is...
We are having a birthday bbq for Devin and C next weekend- hopefully I can make it through without becoming a giant stress monster (apparently that is my alter ego lately).
Until I write again friends... 

Friday, February 28, 2014

Spoiled Rotten

Today is officially my birthday! Woohoo! While I am sad that I will not be spending my day at Disneyland (again) this month has been the best! I have been so spoiled by my mom and Devin- I guess they both feel I deserved it because I had a baby? I don't know but I will take it! I do have to go to school today (boo) but I will be celebrating with pizza and ice cream cake and a DATE Saturday night with my handsome man. 
I have already opened (and used) all of my birthday presents but just thought I would share them with you anyway ;-)

#1. A new iPad with a pink coach case

Everyone was telling Devin that I NEEDED to have this for nursing school. He could not WAIT until my birthday to give it to me. As soon as he got home he handed it to me and I yelled "IS IT AN IPAD IS IT AN IPAD!?" and Yes it was! 

#2. Clarisonic Plus
This photo is of the Mia but I have the plus and its so awesome! Devin and I have been wanting one of these for awhile and now we have it and we love it. I sort of wonder if Devin got it more for himself than for me... but it is pink so it's "mine". But honestly- if you have ever thought about buying one DO IT! You won't be sorry 

#3. MAC lipstick in Lady Danger
Mad props to the hubs on this one. I had posted something on Facebook about wanting this lipstick... and he showed up with it for me. Um... who picked the best husband? I sure did. (P.S. THIS COLOR IS SO IN FOR SPRING!)

#4. Littmann Classic II S.E. stethoscope 
I have been eyeing this baby ever since I decided to go to nursing school. They give you one as part of your "kit" but it's just a plain ol' black one. And if anyone knows me they know I have to have something flashy. My mom got this for me and had my name put on it because "That way no one will steal it! It's so cute!" And it's probably the cutest stethoscope I have ever seen. Way to go littmann. 

#5. Piano
I have been wanting a piano ever since we moved from California and left our old one with our renters. When Devin asked what I wanted for my birthday I told him that I wanted a piano. Up until Sunday he told me that he wasn't having any luck. Well, Monday here comes this big honking thing. I wanted to cry. There is something about having a "talent" and not being able to use it. A lot of my fondest memories are listening to my mom play the piano. I think this piano needs a name but I haven't come up with a good one yet. But I'm so glad to have it in my home! (P.S. Thanks guys that helped move this beast. It really is a beast. I appreciate it more than I can say really.) 

My grandmother used to tell my mom that she was going to spoil me rotten and that no man was ever going to spoil me as much. Grandma- I'm so sorry but you were wrong. I am spoiled beyond belief!... I came home the other day to (surprise!) Cirque Du Soleil tickets. 

And because it's my birthday and this is my blog- I am now going to share with you the music video my friend Jay made for me on my 21st birthday. I listen to it every year and it's a crack up. 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

9 months old!

We are about a week late but last Thursday this girl was officially 9 months old! WHAT!? That means in 3 months she will be a year old. I am having a hard time grasping that concept. 
This sweet babe is becoming sassy. She might look like Devin but she is definitely MY child. She does not like green beans (despite my numerous tries) and she LOVES bread (especially Panera's wheat baguettes). She is crawling ALL OVER the place, climbing the stairs, and pulling herself up to standing on EVERYTHING. She started "crawling" (she has been able to scoot and do "yoga" for a while) on February 9th and it has been go-go-go every since. Devin gave her, her first taste of ice cream the other day and she (of course) loved it and didn't want anything else after that. Sigh. So much for that all organic diet. Her favorite snack are the Gerber Organic yogurt melts and her favorite "toy" is still Lucy. I think she loves Lucy best. Charlotte, as much as I don't want you to grow up anymore it is so fun watching you learn new things! Mommy and daddy love you! XOXO 
P.S. We just ordered diapers from The Honest Company and I am so excited! I ordered their sample packet and it was awesome. I ordered their diaper and wipe month combo. If haven't heard of them, go check them out.